This is my manifesto for my life and most importantly, my Life and my Existence -- Catherine.
Throughout my lifetime, I have been witness and participant to many amazing things. I have borne witness to achievement, greatness, joy, and many things that I am proud to recognize and to put on my life's resume. Although my life has had its great moments, my qwerks cause me to work in such a way that I feel hopeless at the dropping of a butterfly and sometimes at the most trivial things. These things to me, however, are most traumatic and my functionatory systems can be shut down so easily. I am a victim of depression. I offer this, not as the excuse, but as the explanation for myself.
My early life can be said to have been clouded with many of the most unpleasant things. My parents, whom I see in the worst light even as I sit here at this very moment, were responsible for bringing me up and for instilling in me the values that I hold so happily and hopefully for the children I dream that I will one day father alongside a wonderful, beautiful, exquisite woman and together we will be without effort the happiest family. I cannot wait for those moments. But I cannot say the responsibility was met with much success. I became frightened. I am scared of my parents and remain so to this day. I have a hard time looking them in the eye, and had the hardest time telling them the truth for fear it would be unacceptable to them. Their expectations of me were outrageous and I failed miserably at most of what they set out for me to accomplish. In the eyes of people outside of my family, I was outstanding. Brilliant in most ways and clever in all the others, they envied me. I, however, was perfectly unaware of it all. Psychologically, I was worn and my emotions tatterted. There was an anger and a fear building inside of my small little body that could not have been quantified. I sought any ways to act it out but was successful in none of these ways.
