I assured my parents that I would get better.
Only I couldn't, although something inside me wanted to get help.
2.
I pull the door closed behind me and start down the hall. I have all but one button on my shirt buttoned up. I am beautiful. I am a goddess. I weight 4 pounds less than I did the night before.
I walk by the neighbor's door, who my best friend acts all too familiar with. She's Playing loud music and banging around in her room as I pass. I get to the elevator and put my hand on the knob - a routine is beginning.
Do I have my yellow pills?.
Yes, they"re at work.
Do I have my coffee?.
Yes, and my press is at work too.
I"m not getting a bagel - I have a power bar, right?.
Yes, in my file cabinet.
I pull the knob of the elevator door, slide the gate and step inside. I press the "M" button and the engine engages. The engine bangs loudly, giving me a headache! I arrive on the M floor, and am suddenly stricken with terror - I don't want to go out there! I"m no goddess! I've lost 15 pounds this week, but I"m STILL a COW! .
But I must, and go to the mailbox to stall. The vouchers are in, that means I"ll have to eat this weekend. Also a bill for Cosmo, which I haven't received yet.
I stuff them in my bag and head to the glass doors - formed on a frame from 1922. Weren't people heavier then than now? The doors are narrow. I"m through the doors.
I am outside.
It's a gray day - it's always gray here. It's getting colder, and the wind is blowing. It's my favorite weather - "winter's coming" weather.
I am confident. Than 500 pound lady who takes 10 minutes getting down the 4 steps to the door was not in front of me today. I feel sorry for her, but she makes me sad and I don't need that first thing in the morning. .
The lady who made me freak out in my diary a few days ago is not waiting out front as usual. So that's good too. I cross the first street and I feel good.
The second street, feeling good still.
As I walk toward Smith street street, I pass a skinny blonde in a nail polish Jetta Porsche waiting at the light, dialing her mobile phone and chewing on something that she holds between her thumb and forefinger, the other three extended as if she was dainty.
