He relates his wife's stated desire, "to be good friends but not married anymore." This notion of being "good" friends, or even friends, with their ex-spouse after divorcing them is simply a smoke screen for people who would like to appear compassionate and sincere and, of course, 'progressive' and 'mature,' as long as they don't have to take responsibility for being unable or unwilling to sustain the relationship we call marriage. The unfortunate flip-side of the modern concept of "no-fault" divorce is the "no-responsibility" marriage that it implies.
We, along with many others, can speak from experience about marriage and divorce. Our previous marriages, of about twenty years, didn't end in a day or a month. It took years before the idea of divorce was even considered. During those years, dramas major and minor sprang from the waning of mutual commitment and yet, the thought still lingered that "things will work themselves out. We'll get better." Then one day it dawned that, even if all the problems could be "fixed," the commitment to the vows and the relationship it defined was no longer something we could sustain. In other words, we no longer cared enough about that other person to want to take part in their lives anymore, let alone live with them.
Yet we each found ourselves holding on to the notion that we could be "friends" with our ex-spouses. After all, didn't we hear from family and other friends that, "You can't just leave that relationship; there still has to be something there." Well of course, there was long familiar habit; there was curiosity; there was the normal concern for the well being of another person. But, "friends"? No. Could we say to them, of our new marriages, as we would to another friend, "we've never been happier in our lives" without feeling like we were gloating? Could we, with sincerity, celebrate their joys and commiserate their woes? Would we invite their opinions of our plans and ideas? We realized we would not be able to be a friend, even in conversation.
