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The Strongest Two Emotions

             Anger and guilt go hand in hand in many cases that I have experienced. My story begins with the loss of my father and my grandson within one year. This brought back many feelings from 22 years prior when I lost my first child.
             Let me start with the loss of my son 6 days after he was born. Beautiful baby boy with blonde hair and long fingers and toes the perfect baby to me. I was nineteen and believed everything the doctor told me because I thought I could trust him. Well my son arrived 1 ½ month's early butt first and under distress. As I laid awake in the operating room I could sense something was wrong but the doctor assured me everything was okay. I should have known when I didn't here my baby cry and the room filled with silence. The lights in my face I was strapped to a table and could move to see anything. It was cold and I felt horror and panic over come me in a way a young person should never feel. Later that night I discovered that my son was sick and needed to be transferred to another hospital. .
             Together my family and my husband made the dicion to take him off of life support because I could not be selfish to let a baby live like a vegetable just so that I could be with him. After the emotions of the funeral I withdrew from family and friends and thought I was the only person this could happen to and what a bad person I must have been to have my son taken from me. I now have a wonderful daughter and son who have been the joy of my life. They know of there brother and look like him as babies. .
             January 28, 2002 approximately 3:00pm I felt sick to my stomache at work and had the feeling someone in my family was trying to tell me something because I usually got sick when something bad happened to one of us. I shook the feeling off and went about my business. Later this day I found out my father had passed away after a bout with congestive heart failure and Alzheimer's disease.


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