I found this book "That's not What I Meant!" to be one of the most intriguing textbooks I've read in a while. The author, Deborah Tannen, sheds her opinionated light on many issues that plague conversationalists everywhere. I will preface this summary by stating that Tannen discusses many topics with a feminist flavor. This book does indeed have a narrow focus, but the subject of that focus--interpersonal communication--has far reaching implications in any type of human relationship. Relationships often suffer from a variety of different problems, ranging from differences in personal habits, to differences in values, to differences in religious views, but that is more or less a given in any relationship, especially one in which people share a domicile. However, it is how those relationship partners choose to "deal" with their inevitable differences "communicatively" that will determine the ultimate success or failure of their relationship. Do they choose to disagree or argue endlessly? Do they insult each other, or call each other names? Do they try to talk over each other, or become violent? Or do they approach each other in cooperative manner, open to each other's different ideas and viewpoints, with a willingness to learn from each other? These are some of the points that the author addressed in .
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her book. I will attempt to bring out some of the aspects that I found most interesting.
Throughout this book, Tannen talks a lot about the conversational styles of men and women. Although she leans favorably toward women, she does point out that male and female styles of conversing are equally valid. According to Tannen, many women are seeking for connection through communication whereas men are attempting to maintain independence. Our author believes that women are always attempting to gain a sense of community through conversations. However, the way that men and women try to gain independence and/or involvement are totally different.