I am beginning to realize that I have two distinct personalities: the one you see in class and the one that is writing this paper, specifically; my authentic self.
Why was I putting on a show to everyone else but not to those whom I trusted? Was it a show or was it really fear? A fear of what? I could only suggest what I am afraid of but perhaps it is really a fear of rejection. When I am nervous or when I am in new surrounding I let my outer speaker take over my personality, it just comes natural to me. I have always had poor self-confidence and it was easier to be an actor than a real person because the truth often hurts. With my outer speaker I have a tendency to pretend that I do not care what people think about me. In reality, this performance is a front to hide behind truth because when we perform it is not real and you can not judge what is not real. It sounded to me like an antitheses. If I were genuine and vulnerable like everyone else, people would see me as authentic. As insane as it sounds, I am a person who tries to be the best that they can be, it was all part of the facade. Maybe my travelling side show was all part the grand illusion to seduce people into thinking that I am this great person. Well that leaves me with one question: Who am I? .
Feedback Process.
Searching through my back pack I found the evaluation forms from the feedback that I received from my first presentation. The feedback that I received from my first presentation was blunt and honest. My peers described my presentation as a staged performance. At first I was shocked by what was written and somewhat offended. I was quick to conceal the feedback evaluations into the depths of my baggage and pretend I never read them. Upon reviewing the evaluations a second time, I was able to read between the lines and reflect upon my presentation. Now I was beginning to realize how important the feedback process really was for me in order to make any changes.